Who I thought I would be


The words you throw at my face
Every now and then
Yours eyes seeing right through my soul
Reminding me again of deep waters
That I claimed to get drowned in
It’s getting hard to get along with you
Because your breaching my confidentiality
The way I kept things afar
Not wanting your sympathy
Why would I need that?
Could you change the topic
There is nothing left to say
Just silent tears swelling up
In my throat that shut me up
Continuing to rave about
My issues would do nothing
To let me get out of it
This time I didn’t plunge
In deep waters, I threw myself
In an ocean where the possibility
Of survival is as meager as
As a disease gone viral
Don’t you dare remind me of
Of who I was ,who I thought I would be
Rewinding the past is regretful
It’s like a nightmare that
Keeps it’s claws on me all the time
Even if this dry spell of chaos
Is over, I am still not going to get over it
I can’t forget it
Who I was ,who I thought would I would be.

INSTAGRAM @fictionviaizza

Days of our lives.


I thought politely declining you
Will make you step away
But you were again provoking a
Reaction out of me
Deliberately ignoring you couldn’t help
But made matters worse
Even your silhouette made me shudder
With the way things shaped up
I couldn’t do anything sadly
Just awaited till it all
Die down if you forget someday
But you couldn’t forget my carefree zone
Me being wild and tamed at nothing to do with you
It was a way to see the world all in its glory
Befriending risks to make a life out for myself
But I guess belonging to you had demerits
Being a part of you led me down to a territory
Where my named feelings got divorced
I cried myself in fear of the unknown
That sulk down to throttle me by the collar
It grew in heaps until I lost recognition
An affirmation of my shattered state
I no longer cared my whereabouts
Still testimonials of your insignificant presence
And your morbid sense of humor
Continued to rattle me
Gaining a say evoked you
Until I preferred to be bathing stone
Exfoliating expressions
Rumors had it, I lost wit
Eyes claimed me lascivious
Hitting a nerve every time
I appeared rough and ragged
Fathering my flaws with grace
Till death awaited at the door
With a bow!

Artwork by Mahoor Jamal

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Stop now!


“I don’t know what i am feeling right now. I think alot of it had to do with the affect your words had on me. This huge gaping hole in my gut is consistent since we last talked. I thought i was going to rely on you for better or worse but you make me see the reality of my doings, my choices and my behaviour. I think everything has to do with what i do when you see the world around you progessing for more. Your wayward approach threatens me to reconsidera life I have chosen for myself. The lifeless statue of wonderland inside me is craving to be unleashed. I think you arent going to witness it happening when you bring out your own psychologies that get an upperhand. This feeling of disagreement is coherent as a whole ; i don’t think i will be able to give away my freight train of actions. My individuality and actions go simultaneously – hand in hand. Believe it or not.” – Izza Ifzaal

Space between us

img_20161004_001109 Carrying a hand full of paper towels
And a bucket full of tears
She stepped into road of denial
Lightened in ignorance
Strolling casually towards the edge
Sky painted in burnt fire lights
Alone in the night of dark
She wore grief like a mask of defense
Against the odds that
Kept lurking like her nemesis
Snapping fingers at her ghostly white face
A stranger waved a hand in dismay
Getting her out of brazen thoughts
Sitting beside her like an aristocrat
Wearing heart around his sleeve
For a man who lived in shells
He chatted through the night
Filling in the space between them
Even if he heard “ahems” or “pfft”
His voice continued to carry weight
Of conversations , to help her stay muted
To help her stay adrift, not expecting
Anything in return, but just another stranger
To hear him without judgements
Like those voices from the wall
That nerved and labeled him a mad man
She found her breathing room and he , his own
In the vintage space between them.

My sheltered heart


I don’t want to replay that
Fucking scene in my head
Yet once again it slammed
Through my mind again
I kept lurking around
To that corner where you
Stood Uninterrupted
Even by the shadows
I had to stay there
Waiting for you to
See me approaching you
I hated every second of
Waiting around the corner
Counting seconds before
I had knee down in front of you
And let you make me
Take back those words
I said with a sane mind back
Pushing all limits
Still tainted with scarred issues
I breached that subject again
But this time to your liking
Fucking hating every second of that
Encounter, I fled away with dissipation
With an agony that pleased you
Yet made me subtle and aggressive
Everything that once made me happy
Now evaporating like bubbles
In the sky
I stand still
Under the same sky
Where no one grieves
Except my sheltered heart.

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We have come two different entities rolling in life. Everytime I see myself drowning in helplessness; I cower just to shield myself away from you. Maybe I already know you are in despair of your own. Things we keep from each other is highlighting vulnerabilities. Both of us scared to let our weaknesses come between us. But I see it all coming. I am inclined towards that loophole that is somewhere showing me a way out. I am exhausted, drenched and drought to see our life turning into a squabble. I see myself going the way I never thought to go. That starlight is guiding me to a way out, out of treachery between us. I think it all be well – well enough to make my inaudible heartbeats stay tranquil.