Never Good enough!


Even in my early twenties, I still can’t decipher the attitude of people. Some might be pro in keeping the waters even but I can’t seem to master this art. I have had enough shares of brow beating, inquisitions and facsimiles. I can deduce that gnaring special place in heart for these people is next to impossible. You might curse yourself or feel bad about being a villain even if things change. circumstances become less excruciating. Yet why does this nagging pain of being a victim to such atrocities never end? Why does we welcome such nerve wracking audacity? Isn’t it a high time to be parable in such verbal assaults?

That believe to stand up for myself vanishes in Hades. It gets locked away in a remote corner of my heart where there is already cache of previous incidents. They trigger the devil in me wants to give them the taste of their own medicine; to be like what they want me to be; to be a constant pain in the ass.  The devil did turn the tables. It made me act self-conceited, unfathomable and disgusting. They started to loathe the face I had dawned. The face they patronized me to have. That face scrupled the moment I was done playing the lead of every story. I craved to play the role where negative will show the real me. The real me that once strolled in the world wasn’t enough. It could get raged or pin-pointed at. Even if it was exemplary; it still was never enough.

What’s the world out there doing? Your constant derailing or depreciation seems a trick to slay you off. Your stand on one foot and doing gymnastics to entertain them is not good enough. Your heart of gold that melts with their kind glance is never enough. Your devil-may-care attitude syringe a wave of nausea in them. Your love life becomes a talk of town? Your ill behavior shuns you to be a parallel universe. Is there for reconciliation? Is there a way to fight these odds? Is the soul in you recover?

Probably not! Your soul isn’t immortal. It is going to leave you in ashes soon. You are going to get buried in your own grave. You are going to answer for yourself. Your good will not go unnoticed by the Power. What they all do is their own freaking business? Dilemma is they are unaware of this breaking bad moment. They won’t live till eternity. They aren’t going to relish their jabs turning futile. They are going to alone grieve your absence. They will realize and then it will be too late.

Calamity is not on us to dawn faces.  Good or Bad- I dawned the both. Good was satisfactory- Bad was an agony. The mix of satisfaction and agony was way better than extremities.  The thought that everyone is going to reap for what they sow is comforting for now.

A Dialogue (Heart & Mind)

Mind: “Have you taken hold of your senses? For crying out loud, you are being daft for no apparent reason. After literally giving lot of thoughts to things you clearly did want in life, now all of a sudden you want to give them up? Seriously, stop being so irrational, indecisive, dissolute, incorrigible, douche & whatsoever annoying you sick, sick ,sicko .Cmon! It’s time to think what do you really desire? Is it that hard to follow your instinct? I believe possibly not .Just stand firm for every bloody thing you think is right ;if only you think is probably right for you & don’t you try snubbing every one encountering your way, you will get to prove your point but for that fathom the criticism that cringes you no matter what. Okay?? Got that?? So, just act wisely.”
Heart: “I know, I know, you just don’t need to hover over me alright? Gimme a minute, will you? To get this all settled in my constipated skull. I am a bit devastated at this very moment. What you are asking of me will take a bit of drill obviously; I ain’t a chameleon who changes color with moods please. You know they are so good at disguising themselves, astonishing, no? Okay you stop right there with such glare; I know, I am just trying to beat about the bush but you are so very honest & true about everything you just said. I didn’t know you were that thoughtful, you seemed a bit off guard always. Come hell or high water I ll fight for myself. I think I just figured out something. Yayee! Will get back to you later bbye & thanks.”

Magical ( Smile & Stare)

Stare: “I can keep looking at you’re for hours, and never get bored… I don’t know why, I have to say this repetitively but, you deserve every ounce of it… Maybe, you don’t know the spell you generate with this glee on your face. I have loved your twinkling eyes from the very start. I didn’t know what made me so recklessly incurable but, you make me giddy with excitement and, I am happy you like staying, where you always belonged…Don’t you know that affect you have on me? I bet you don’t know otherwise; you would want these seldom-moments to last long…By the by, you’re contagious and, all in a good sense. Oh Shoot! One thing I forgot to mention not to grin all the time and, some might consider you a maniac gotten discharged from asylum recently… I am not sure what’s with me today; my odd laugh and chuckles, so please say something…”

Smile: “Goodness! I didn’t know that I had such an impact on you and, a good one again overwhelming indeed…See! Instead of gawking at me, you can also try beaming with glow and, I am not saying to be polite towards me only, but with others as well. You don’t know this gesture of kindness can ease all your worries and, make you feel a lot better. One more thing, it will not only fill you with contentment abandoning frown from brow but, others as well experiencing this pure joy. “

(I wrote this dialogue for my mom..I am not good with expressing how much I LOVE her smile but still I can keep on staring her and wishing these moments lasts forever)

A Rose with thorns!

Gardener:  “ You have been playing this wild-goose-chase for a long, long time… The schemes brewing in your peanut-size brain, are speaking volumes with your rage. Every day, I have nurtured you with love and care, and see that’ how you reciprocate my devotion; by treating me with thorns that slice throw every fiber of my being. I perceived that you are very much done with your blasts-from-the-past moments, and now I bet ,you are ripened with absolute wisdom but, My! My!! You are still flawed with imperfections I abhor; and believe me when I say ;casting you aside was the only option for me.”

Rose:  “Okay I get it..Just make sure that you are undeniably perfect in what you do..I guess you have seen everybody framed, according to your dos and don’ts, and nobody on this Earth has ever bruised you like my thorns. Since you have this habit of reaching on conclusions, try to think once these thorns grow with me; I can stop make these prickly thorns to vanish only, if I die.

You were and still are always skilled in bringing the worst in people! What about your imperfections? You shoot words like daggers…Don’t you see that you are unfair, improper and crooked yourself? I fail to see your signs of dignity and a kind heart..We are all sewed with uncertainties and faults so better take a bit of drill to fathom them; if not ,be at bay kindly.. “

Dialogue b/w Dream & Reality (Part-1)

Dream:  “I am tired of being jerked around all the time and guess what, who have torned them into pieces, all long it was none other than you.  I wish, I knew it, from the start. You! You!! Brutal obnoxious piece of shit. I am not even sorry for this blasphemy any more. Mind you! Before you start pointing out how bitter I am acting now, it’s solely because you have destroyed me with slow kill! Yeah! You indeed got succeeded in getting me away from my twins Love and Fantasy. Why don’t you call for a toast now? Don’t you dare smile at me with the entire venom still breathing in you? Everybody kept on telling me we can’t be together but then I was plain mad in getting enamored with your sugary chatters. Will you stay quiet, or need a punch to utter something before I lose my cool? Just be real with me just once.

Reality : Haha! I can’t stop laughing..Give me a moment to get in the trance. Look wait! Calm down! You are acting absurd and that’s now proven for sure, not even Galileo would doubt it. I can understand you like getting melodramatic but let me get this straight, I am sorry for all the hurt I caused you but this was just down to give you a push right. I don’t like them getting all perked up just because you like staying for short notice, and leave without delay. Once, you get in them you make them crave everything, which they never ever thought of, but then in a second, you lack the wisdom to motivate them to achieve something. That’s when I have to barge in, just so they keep on getting the reality checks. Now you ask me, why I separated you from Love and Fantasy? Because you were spoiling them, without even striving them to get a bit serious in real. Run in their veins like a blood, engulf them to strive hard to reach their target, try to indulge them with your staunch attributes, and when they’ll get past all the hurdles, all the cheers will be for you. But condition still remains firm ,staying for long is the only option get that.”