Blood boils

Yes. I am hurting. Hurting so much that I can’t even tell you. I wish there was a way when I could have gotten details of what hurted you the most but I couldn’t. I couldn’t allow myself to let you expose to any hurt again at my expense. I shall rather act nonchalant to let you feel at home. I know their words were like cactus that pierced through your skin; discussing me infront of you wasn’t a moot point. They had to sting you in order to get back at me and the sole reason I let that happen was because they like me are part of your kin .They will talk no matter how good,worse, great or pathetic I seem to them.They always will so honey take a slow breath and don’t give a shit about their indecisiveness.

Brutal hope

image

Didn’t know relying on someone
Could get me in so much trouble.
To a point where it’s all pointless
Bickering, taunting ,cursing,
Gnawing, sniveling, scowling
Obstinacy had its own realm
Knocking me off my feet
If sugar talk could ignite disputes
Didn’t know which poison
Could acts as my referee.
Tears may acted as a catalyst
Still failed to win me an argument.
They say’ life is secondary’
Money was all worth a trouble.
Measuring it’s weigh among ton
Was like slapping redness all over myself.
If lives were such precious
Why did you spend third half ?
Of a life playing a pinch pocket
Like sand gripped in your fist
Falling no matter clutched tight
If balanced in your palm
It wouldn’t have dropped that easily
Damage done enlightened my sense
To believe difference b/w miser & thrifty
You did it all to antagonize me
To a point where hope seemed brutal.

White flag

Pain started subsiding me
Coercing my whole body
My soul descending from
Toes making its way out
Desperately gripping my heart
Shallow breathings turned minimal
My throat stuck together
Like acid burned inside
Words in my mouth murmuring
Vision- a hazardous headache
Legs & arms paralysed
Mouth opened in saliva foams
White flag above my head
I yeiled in to my death
Like cotton stuck in thorns
Ripped in shreds but free
I felt Inch by inch unraveled
Once a fine cotton
Now torn,
Disfigured – even gently picked
Soul bared to God
That’s how the end was.

Strange world

Strange world we live in.
Estranged get ass licked
Sweet get busted
Duped from the start
Every response stirs reaction
Even love sounds cliche
On a stroll to let others feel bad
Manipulations trick guilt
One Hell of days
synchronizing,roaring, jolting.
If space does good
It ends up torturing others.
Blasphemy once battered
Now direct maneuvering
fills up the bitter spot.
Disdain hidden from eyes
builts grudge inside.
Like the hell broke loose
mourning is just another ritual .
Maelstrom of ego
Wins another battle in
Housefull of weak.

Part of me. ..

Part of me said, ”I love you”
Other part of me wandered
“Will it be enough for him”
He had that thing for melancholy
It was enough to be his built-in filler
Escaping away geometry of questions
Some he answered with easy smile
Others with frown shadowing
partial excuses
“Elegance & Euphoria” subdued my qualms
Best moods or bad moods
Binding us catastrophically
He governed life in moments
Rinsing.Repeating .Rinsing
Flaws like second nature
Lost in ripples of thoughts
He accumulated words
Like a man afraid to callow
Days soaring hope
We made it far
Until his perished self.

Somebody..

If I still stand a chance
I want to be that somebody
Again if you let me
Under your skin
Will It take more time?
More than I bargained for
If acting a repellant is a charm
I shall be impervious
Still no longer around you
Punches a hole in my gut
Rancor -you tasted in my blood
Filled me with melancholy
Cracks buried in your chest
Need a bam of my touch
If I stand still a chance
Don’t stiffen up unless
I become that somebody to you. ..

Nobody!

In wonderland of faces
Beneath the wide sky
Burying the hatchet
Absorbing the haze
Of world’s humidity
I was a Nobody
Focused on survival
Telepathic with nature
When my senses blurred
Lost in chaos
Avoiding penalties
Adamant not to rely
Damnation! Was it only me?
Wretched to despise my being
Faces poured confessions
Normalcy waving
I gaped in relief
Knowing like me
All were a Nobody
In their little mindset

Spades in peace.

My relation with God was holy but not spiritual. I knew I always have to knee down to Him, turn to Him,  talk to Him, rely on Him when situations worsened gratuitously. No belief in Him meant fate worse then death. His existence, omnipotent, omniscient – A king i had to bow down five times a day necessarily to be in His good grace. This all was a prerequisite to His heart and i had to follow because that’s how i was brought up ; to love God and to trust him earnestly.  Everyone commanded on love and trust but nobody told me How to develop the connection. What would make me spiritual. As time progressed world around me turned bolder, insanely shocking like I was supposedly believing this whole new delirium was a bagde of ethnicity around. Every one transcended to blend in the rituals of comman race. Nothing made sense when things turn chaotic or sanguine like a wrecking ball dropped with maturity to fathom this reality of survival.Still I knew i had to no matter what keep the ritual of praying because honestly at some point I saw myself mumbling for wishes ; small unsaid wishes that were baseles and absurd still i knew those unsaid words that never reached my tongue happen to accomplish in seconds like God was there jotting down what i want when i want.  Little by little i saw abundance of love showered my way holstering me to feel the spirituality, his nearness, His existence. He wasn’t figment of my imagination any more .He was real closer to me than the jugular filling my head with conscious to be better like a voice answering my every query. I could feel His generosity or His anguish when I was wrong. It felt amazing like storm replaced my slow waves swiftly moving. That connection isn’t always there , it’s just that one blissful moment when you feel important, grateful and acknowledged when even odds aren’t in your favor. A moment lasting till eternity and nothing can beat that peace I know.

Eulogy. .

If you ever write an eulogy for me don’t ever try and make me sound like a paragon landed on the earth to distribute humility. An extraordinaire who never did wrong even if meanest streak was blooded in my trait. I dont want to count on you to make me sound so meekish with no ounce of vulnerability lurking over me. Words conjuncted in euphemism will never be able to make a difference. I would prefer you to stop the exalt and describe me with even and odds.  A simple human who for a fleeting moment was there listening and appreciating her worse. This whole world wouldn’t cease to function without me.. Don’t wrap your mind with fact that death makes it necessary for you to be maudlin and act as purgative for me. I was done being a expatriate in this world and with its flair.So spare me the grievances and live until you ensconce to the other world where you understand there aren’t any recuperation here or fatigues. I am here insouciant thanking my lucky stars for the early departure.