Never Good enough!

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Even in my early twenties, I still can’t decipher the attitude of people. Some might be pro in keeping the waters even but I can’t seem to master this art. I have had enough shares of brow beating, inquisitions and facsimiles. I can deduce that gnaring special place in heart for these people is next to impossible. You might curse yourself or feel bad about being a villain even if things change. circumstances become less excruciating. Yet why does this nagging pain of being a victim to such atrocities never end? Why does we welcome such nerve wracking audacity? Isn’t it a high time to be parable in such verbal assaults?

That believe to stand up for myself vanishes in Hades. It gets locked away in a remote corner of my heart where there is already cache of previous incidents. They trigger the devil in me wants to give them the taste of their own medicine; to be like what they want me to be; to be a constant pain in the ass.  The devil did turn the tables. It made me act self-conceited, unfathomable and disgusting. They started to loathe the face I had dawned. The face they patronized me to have. That face scrupled the moment I was done playing the lead of every story. I craved to play the role where negative will show the real me. The real me that once strolled in the world wasn’t enough. It could get raged or pin-pointed at. Even if it was exemplary; it still was never enough.

What’s the world out there doing? Your constant derailing or depreciation seems a trick to slay you off. Your stand on one foot and doing gymnastics to entertain them is not good enough. Your heart of gold that melts with their kind glance is never enough. Your devil-may-care attitude syringe a wave of nausea in them. Your love life becomes a talk of town? Your ill behavior shuns you to be a parallel universe. Is there for reconciliation? Is there a way to fight these odds? Is the soul in you recover?

Probably not! Your soul isn’t immortal. It is going to leave you in ashes soon. You are going to get buried in your own grave. You are going to answer for yourself. Your good will not go unnoticed by the Power. What they all do is their own freaking business? Dilemma is they are unaware of this breaking bad moment. They won’t live till eternity. They aren’t going to relish their jabs turning futile. They are going to alone grieve your absence. They will realize and then it will be too late.

Calamity is not on us to dawn faces.  Good or Bad- I dawned the both. Good was satisfactory- Bad was an agony. The mix of satisfaction and agony was way better than extremities.  The thought that everyone is going to reap for what they sow is comforting for now.

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Lines…

Gripping my hand

In unison I tried

Not to flinch

Slashing my nails in

Fist to forget about

Where these lines

Imprinted on my palms

Were heading.

My momentary struggles

To read a secret

Clue in these lines

Did nothing

To pause

The oscillatory

Rhythm of life.

Instead it

Ended up

Hypnotizing my

Conscience to

Believe in the good

Written in these lines.

Reassuring me to

Forget about curiosity

Fumbled up in me &

For a change

Acknowledge the blind future

With open arms of

Optimism.

Vowing me not to

Glance back

At fortune-hunters

Bribing to sabotage

The already crippled

Relation with the

Supreme power

Who always have

The best of plans

For us.

Provided we have

The patience to

Endure the

Wait to gain

The best.

 

Is everything ever gonna be….

Is everything ever gonna be

Too awkward to continue,

To think, to ask, without having

Second thoughts?


Is everything ever gonna be

Too scary to try, to relish, to feel,

Without paying heed to any

Debacle in the way?


Is everything ever gonna be

Too expensive to shop, to

Spent, to give, to gift, without

Considering the cash in the purse?


Is everything ever gonna be

Alright even after shouts, screams, yelling,

Hovering, without taking it in a

Wrong way?


Is everything ever gonna enlighten

The minds-of-many occupied with

Conspiracies, venom, revenge, lust,

Deceit, selfishness without taking

Humans for granted?


Is everything ever gonna be

Transformed with sanity & purity of

Intentions never involving malice

In return?


Is everything ever gonna

Broaden the mentalities

Of many to accept love a token of

Appreciation sometimes without

Even greedily hoping for exchange

Of presents in return?


Is everything ever happened

Should be taken as a calamity,

A mishap, a bad fortune, a curse

Without even thinking it helped in

Evolving every body in its own way?


Everything however will stop probably

When not fretting- &-paying-heed

Is tackled with wisdom in what

Lies ahead indeed.


 

Undo!

“She was happy anyone could tell with magic possessing her moments in seclusion. The radiance in her was meant to make her look more fascinating. Now, gone were the days where smile was just a formality to let them still believe in magic; a charade at the beginning to be mistaken as a symbol of luck ,but sooner revealing it a web of pain ending with a bruise immortal. “

- Izza Ifzaal

At times!…

At times I ought to give up
Give up the entirety that encircles me

At times I itch to run away
Run away from silence echoing me to the core

At times I urge to disguise
Disguise into shadow still remaining

At times I want to allow my heart to spill out of my chest
In the way it makes me all feel existent

At times I require nobody
Nobody to caste me an eye

At times I am destitute
Destitute from sentiments and impressions

At times I can get tame
Tame with love as a dare

At times I get aggressive
Aggressive from my mind and logic

At times I need to scream and shout
Scream and shout to let it all out

At times I am miserable
Miserable as in numb

At times I plead for solitude
Solitude to think straight

At times I am tired
Tired of hobbing around

At times I thirst to give up
Give up to never hearing any voice

At times I am filled with happiness
Happiness with seeing me appreciated

At times I have my mood swings
Mood swings to fathom my flaws and faults

At times I am generous
Generous to lay a world beneath your feet

At times I redeem
Redeem from my nightmares of sin

At times I smile
Smile with no personal vendetta

At times I long for attention
Attention like the one given to cash

At times I yearn for a listener
Listener of my melancholy and delight

At times I am consumed with fondness
Fondness that endears me with tender

At times I lose my cool
Cool as in my level of sufferance and leniency

At times I am funny
Funny like a goodfella

At times we have such times
Times that are all good and bad
Good as in best and bad as in disastrous
Like a clock oscillating and striking 12 and 12
Reborning the day and the night